Emotionally Coercive Control Methods

and Behaviour Patterns

 

The extract below, shows that if you enter ‘Coercive Control’ into Google, it talks only about Women not Men, and this is Sex Discrimination and misleading.

 

COERCIVE CONTROL: It is a term and a concept developed by the academic and activist, Evan Stark, which seeks to explain the range of tactics used by perpetrators, and the impact of those actions on victims and survivors. In Stark’s own phrase, the concept explains ‘how men entrap women in everyday life’.

 

"It is a pattern of behaviour which seeks to take away the victim’s liberty or freedom, to strip away their sense of self. It is not just women’s bodily integrity which is violated but also their human rights." 

 

Coercive control, Stark argues, is not primarily a crime of violence; it is first and foremost a liberty crime. This is not intended to play down the level or scope of physical violence that can occur within domestic abuse, (though sometimes no physical violence is used at all, or the violence that is used may appear ‘minor’ in the eyes of the law), but to highlight what is significant – control.

 

In this model, violence is used (or not) alongside a range of other tactics – isolation, degradation, mind-games, and the micro-regulation of everyday life (monitoring phone calls, dress, food consumption, social activity, etc). The perpetrator creates a world in which the victim is constantly monitored and criticised; every move is checked against an unpredictable, ever-changing, unknowable ‘rule-book’.

 

Behaviour Can Include:

  1. Restricting your Activities

  2. Isolating from Family and Friends

  3. Abandoning

  4. Threatening Behaviour

  5. Misusing State Resources

  6. Misusing Family Resources

  7. Criticising

  8. Ridiculing

  9. Compulsive Spending

  10. Ignoring

  11. Chronic Deceit and Tells Lies

  12. Denying Reality

  13. Intimidating

  14. Coercing

  15. Acting Contrary to Normal Medical Advice

  16. Controlling

  17. Failing to Discuss

  18. Only Believes her Own PR

  19. Superior to All Others

  20. Only SHE can be right

  21. Breaks Promises

  22. Self Entitlement

  23. Makes False Accusations

  24. Lack of Real Friends

 

Sad, depressed, abused Man

Every abuser follows a pattern, and will identify patterns of abuse that get reactions for their ultimate gain.

 

A). Convincing

In the early days of the relationship they pretend to be charming, understanding, sharing and caring. Remember to carry out extensive research that you are not being led up the Garden Path to the altar by a woman with a posy and she walks down with half the Farm!! During this phase they will entice you into the relationship, and get you to believe that they are not what they really are. Remember Eve in the Garden of Eden.

 

Next ...

 

B). Overt or covert controlling abuse phase

This phase will permeate throughout all the rest. Abuse happens in order to get you under their mental control. This is about a sense of their entitlement, leading to their need to have power and control. The same Mind control used on Prisoners of War, because this is now what you are and you do not even know it.

 

Next, if the above don't work ...

 

C). Their persistent denial of their behaviour when they are confronted about their abusive behaviour

That phase is where she totally does not accept her behaviour as other than normal, to her only, of course. Many professional and experts are taken under her 'spell'. You only have to look at all the cases of ineptitudes of Social Workers over the years to see that some are either inept or misled.

 

A very interesting phase ...

 

D). Deflection

She will do all she can to change the subject, and will attempt to have you feel that it has been your fault.

 

More Scheming ...

 

E). You will be blamed

This is part of the deflection techniques, and even if it is she who sits around, she will blame you for being lazy and not helping. The typical 'It’s your fault' scenario and 'you abused me'.

 

'Final straw' Techniques ...

 

F). 'I'm the Victim' methods

She tries to get sympathy, usually because she is the 'little woman' and 'How could I be an abuser?' These are the most vicious times, as now the State has a bias against men who are victims, should you seek help. She will have schemed and plotted and played you for the trusting and caring person you are, and will have promised, even in writing, that she will change. You are now the fly in the spider's web, and you may even still believe you are in love with her, because she says so!!! Remember that these abuses, harassments and verbal threats all happen behind closed doors, and the abuser will try to convince anyone and everyone around them that you are to blame for the relationship problems.

 

Most women can verbalise better than men, and they will use this to their advantage. Most men are equally too embarrassed to admit to being bullied, and these women abusers play on that ego issue.

 

They will act innocent, downtrodden, tell others they have tried all they could with you. You now feel lonely and despairing because you have an immense uphill battle to disprove her lies, particularly in Court when Divorce Proceedings are in progress, as you are 'Guilty' until you prove your innocence against a most convincing and manipulative liar.

 

Most men now give up because this is going to cost a fortune.

 

The Justice system is biased against caring men because of outdated Laws, and lack of understanding that men in the 21st Century can also be flexible in working times and with their support Groups, to bring up children. They can equally be 'Stay at home Dads'. Why should the wife not go out to work and support him and the children? There are many stay at home dads!

 

Children left with parasitic and abusive mothers grow up with warped senses of morality and generally fail to be contributory members of society. The state has to take responsibility for encouraging another generation of parasitic members of society.

 

Society and the Justice system should always ask the question. Are the tears of Love on an abused father's cheeks any less warm than those on an abused wife's cheeks, and in the long term interests of a child, am I being led up the Garden Path, and then excuse myself with the fact that I am 'overworked'?

 

The recent high profile failings of those who should protect all members of Society illustrate that mistakes can be made, but the 

custodians of our laws should also listen to normal witnesses and not just to themselves and 'Expert Witnesses' in a self-perpetuating cycle of failures.

 

Be aware of these scheming tactics of your abuser. Stand your ground and get out from under the heel of the oppressor as fast as you can. They will never change, despite promises to the contrary.

 

There should be a 'Clare's type Law' to protect men against women abusers.

 

Some women are genuinely the 'victims' of a series of alleged abuses, but the state will never seek the truth on who was being abused or bullied. Should you, as a man, make a complaint to the authorities you will be met with 'where is the proof?' or 'we do not have the resources' excuses, or any reason why they should not become involved because of some 'protocol'. There have been too many issues of failures because of 'protocols', and not dispensing Justice, but rather having only regard for Laws that are flawed. The truth is that the adversarial system exploited by the Legal Profession in the UK should be changed towards the non-adversarial model of Europe, 

where Principles and Justice are central to the Legal System.

 

Back to you, my readers.

 

For your sanity, always remember the old Military expression that 'Time spent on reconnaissance is never wasted', so ...

DO NOT rush into relationships until you have performed an extensive reconnaissance. Meet, talk and associate with her family, friends, work colleagues, and what her background has been. Will she carry the other end of the plank in the relationship, or will she make excuses, whilst raping you both materially and mentally?

 

Will she be your genuine True Soul Mate? DO NOT 'Love Today and Repent Forever'.

 

Very few studies have been carried out on the effects of divorce on fathers. Over 40% of fathers report clinical stress and losing their jobs or/and having to seek the help of doctors and/or psychiatrists. A very low proportion of divorce cases go to legal action, as the Legal profession, always expensive, advise against action, as you will have to give up because there is no chance of winning, or you simply cannot afford Justice that is your due under The Universal Declaration of Human Rights 24 Articles to protect you from injustice.

 

During divorce proceeding there is immense stress placed on fathers whilst in a state of high vulnerability, and fathers have difficulties in social situations as their main focus has been as the 'breadwinner'. A woman only has to make an unfounded or manipulated accusation and he will have to spend hours and days trying to defend himself against a biased system. Remember he is Guilty until he can prove his innocence, and he cannot have witnesses that know him and her, and those who will have seen her warped behaviour.

Men are now not equal to women in Law, mainly on issues of Mental abuse that goes on behind closed doors, and a society that disbelieves men.

 

Caring fathers want to spend time with their children, not just at weekends but also during the week. In Belgium, if sharing is not mutually agreed then, subject to school and other children activities in distance between the parties, a week on/off situation is imposed on the warring parents. Usually, in the UK, where lone-parent households are mother headed, the level is around 90%. This is because of misguided theories of mother-child attachment being presented to the courts, by 'expert witnesses' who have not put forward ALL the theories on parent child attachments, and have not comprehensively monitored the mother in the case prior to presentation in court, and subsequently visiting the house where the child or children live on equal basis. The key word here is 'comprehensively'.

 

AGAIN, I really believe that relationships for mutual support throughout life are exceedingly rewarding and should be aspired to, but in today's materialistic society, both parties have to be on their guard against relationships for the wrong reasons.

 

Remember, there are lots of truly fabulous relationships waiting out there, and you will find that 'Special Person'. But as one American President said to the Russian Premier during the Cold War, 'Of course I trust you, but I always verify my trust'.

 

PLEA NUMBER 1: On behalf of all 2 million oppressed men in the UK, where there is a bias against them, is there a PRO-BONO Lawyer out there that will take up the banner against abusive wives and female partners, using the amendment of 'coercive control and behaviour', as outlined in the Serious Crimes Bill, before Parliament?

 

PLEA NUMBER 2: Is there a Politician or Political Party out there that wants the votes of these disenfranchised 2 million men, and their family and friends that will support them, to get GENUINE equality, where they do not feel discriminated against because they are men?

 

In marriage, if each party gives 80%, they will usually meet in the middle and have respect for one another’s needs, attitudes and behaviour.

 

Men and Women are not the same, but are always equal.

 

 

Abuse by Women

 

My partner won't let me see my family or friends. How can I get her to change?

 

Recognising that this behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable is a positive step forward. She's being incredibly emotionally abusive towards you and is attempting to control your behaviour. However, she is the only person that can decide to change her behaviour. It's likely that at the moment she doesn't recognise her actions are being wrong in any way. Unless she admits that she has a problem and then seeks help to address it, it is unlikely that this will change. In fact, what generally happens is that this pattern of abusive behaviour increases in frequency and severity into the future as she now recognises that she is exerting power influences over you.

 

 

My wife has never hit me, but often ignores me and will not talk to me in order to make me adhere to her demands. Is this abuse?

 

Yes, what you're describing is domestic abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse are both classed as domestic violence. This behaviour is not acceptable and you don't have to put up with it.

 

 

My abusive wife says she will take the house that I bought if I leave her. What should I do?

 

This is an extremely common threat for an abusive person to make. It's incredibly manipulative and emotionally abusive, and is totally unacceptable. She is using emotional threats and abuse in order to control your behaviour. She thinks that by saying this she can prevent you from doing anything about the abusive relationship that you're in.

 

The reality is that this is usually an empty threat. Of course this could not be guaranteed, but it's important to remember that she is the only person that is responsible for her actions. At this stage, investigate your continued commitment to her and the relationship as she is exercising undue stress and pressure to control you and your right to a decent life. Talk with your family or a solicitor, but do not make any commitments to engage a solicitor. Gather evidence. If she is threatening you with this level, you are best out of the relationship, but read the book, 'That Bitch', by Roy Sheppard and Mary T Cleary, to examine in easy terms what options from a lay person's point of view are open to you.